ineke.co.uk

For $45, Lance Wallnau and Jim Bakker will sell you a Trump/Cyrus coin that you can use as a "point of contact" between you and God as you pray for Trump's re-election in 2020. pic.twitter.com/EwKgGL7sNp

— Right Wing Watch (@RightWingWatch) May 14, 2019

Question to those who have put themselves forward to be the next Prime Minister:
Apart from getting to get to live with me, why do you want the job?@EstherMcVey1 @RoryStewartUK @DominicRaab @MattHancock @Jeremy_Hunt @BorisJohnson

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 25, 2019

“We should start to think about making a move”

An hour later…

“We really should probably head off soon”

Another hour later…

“Anyway, thanks again for having us”

Almost tomorrow…

“Right!”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) May 26, 2019

A vehicle that had been reported stolen was stopped without incident. It turns out the vehicle had been located by the owner and hadn’t been stolen at all but they had not updated Police. The driver how ever smelt of cannabis and failed a drugs test so has been arrested #fatal4

— Roads Policing – Surrey Police – UK (@SurreyRoadCops) May 25, 2019

*Holding torch under chin*
"The internet was only in one room"
*children scream*
"And everyone in the house had to take turns using it"
*Children scream more*
"And to go online you had to listen to the internet scream for 2 minutes"
*one child gets a nosebleed*

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) May 25, 2019

I find one of my greatest introvert pleasures in the summer is not staying out because it’s light, and because ‘I should make the most of every summer evening’; but going to bed whilst it’s still light. Like a baby. Heaven.

— Miranda Hart (@mermhart) May 26, 2019

Top tip; when reading in bed, avoid having your book fall on your face when you drift off by simply suspending yourself upside down from the ceiling and putting your book on the pillow instead.

When you fall asleep you'll just hang there, quite safe from book to face injuries.

— Waterstones Swansea (@swanseastones) May 26, 2019

COUNT VON COUNT: one, ha ha ha! two, ha ha ha!

NEWS REPORTER: we're still waiting for Sesame Street West to declare, Huw.

— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) May 26, 2019

This chart has blown my mind. pic.twitter.com/5d0KRUZq7H

— Jamie Ratcliff (@Jamrat_) May 25, 2019

Hope. #EUElectionResults pic.twitter.com/tRFvPNfoJ0

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) May 27, 2019

Went to a museum armed with Face App to brighten up a lot of the sombre looks on the paintings and sculptures. The results… pic.twitter.com/N0zYGAFgKW

— Olly Gibbs (@OllyGibbs) May 11, 2017

i’m not sure i’ve ever met a man who says he’s a “history buff” without that history either being world war ii or the roman empire

— lesbian mothman (@verysmallriver) May 25, 2019

People have been calling for an extra bank holiday in the UK , but can’t decide what the date should be or who it should celebrate .
Under a Loony Government your birthday would be your own paid bank holiday. #PeterboroughByElection #Manicfesto #BankHolidayMonday

— 📢 oFFiCiaL mONsTEr rAvINg lOOnY PArTy 🎩 (@Official_MRLP) May 27, 2019

Once elected, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party will complete a 5 year Parliamentary term in 4 years, representing a 20% cost saving so everyone in Peterborough will get a year off politics to spend enjoying themselves.#PeterboroughByElection #Manicfesto

— 📢 oFFiCiaL mONsTEr rAvINg lOOnY PArTy 🎩 (@Official_MRLP) May 23, 2019

The Conservative Party has three times more candidates to be its leader than it has MEPs…#EUElectionResults

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 27, 2019

Joke’s on you I get £150,000 https://t.co/1vY2I15FPk

— Grace Petrie (@gracepetrie) May 27, 2019

Can’t wait until we all get the email ‘How well do you think politicians handled Brexit? a) Very well…

— Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) May 27, 2019

H. G. Wells was A. A. Milne’s maths teacher.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 28, 2019

6,085,174 people signed the petition to revoke article 50. Nobody took any notice.

5,248,533 people voted for the Brexit Party. These are apparently The People whose will must be followed unquestioningly.

— Philip Hensher (@PhilipHensher) May 27, 2019

A long weekend is great for making you really really need another long weekend. #backtowork

— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 28, 2019

We are so lucky to have the NHS.
Bit concerned about what I thought was a lump, so booked appointment.
Brilliant but poor doctor has to spend 2 minutes looking at my gooch, all fine & on my way.

Oversharing coz two things…

1) get stuff checked
2) Thankyou to our BRILLIANT NHS

— Chris Stark (@Chris_Stark) May 28, 2019

In 2006, William Shatner raised $25,000 for a housing charity by selling his own kidney stone.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 28, 2019

Why I oppose Brexit:
It was always a right-wing project to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor.

Why I support People’s Vote:
The only argument Leave have left is “the will of the people”. So, however painful, a PV is the only way to show this is no longer the case.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) May 28, 2019

Farage travels by private jet, hangs around with multi-millionaires & surrounds himself with bodyguards yet still says he’s leading a war against the "Liberal Elite"

Like cancer saying it's working to find a cure for cancer by giving everybody it meets cancer

— Omid Djalili (@omid9) May 28, 2019

Expelling Alastair Campbell from the Labour Party for voting LibDem in the Euro elections doesn't sound like a very intelligent way to coax back the hundreds of thousands of voters who also defected to LibDems and Greens.

— Jim Al-Khalili (@jimalkhalili) May 28, 2019

James Corden: gavin and stacey new xmas special

The world: pic.twitter.com/MDSeBKn3LA

— Shelly (@minxmish) May 28, 2019

“I’m a details man”, says politician who learned channel crossings involve boats at the age of 45. pic.twitter.com/uf6Tehr9EX

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) May 29, 2019

John Cleese is in the process of moving to Nevis, in the Caribbean. I hope there's a old Nevisian comedian ready to moan about how Charlestown won't "really be a Nevisian town any more." Goddamn immigrants. https://t.co/jp8WA3gLgn

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 29, 2019

Thank you to these young wilderness explorers for assisting us in recreating scenes from Up for the film's 10th anniversary! pic.twitter.com/YFaxbOg8hU

— Pixar (@Pixar) May 29, 2019

Boris Johnson is to appear in court over his claims the UK sends the EU £350m a week. Good thing it’s being looked at before it influences any important decisions…

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 29, 2019

Ernest Hemingway survived two plane crashes in two days. He was believed dead for almost 24 hours afterwards, until he was spotted emerging from the jungle carrying bananas and a bottle of gin.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 30, 2019

Oh god. This ventriloquist act is mortifying. Simon Cowell’s entire energy is amazingly awkward. #BGT

— Matt Edmondson (@MattEdmondson) May 30, 2019

WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE BISCUIT SAYS ABOUT YOU

DIGESTIVE
You love a classic

CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVE
You love a sequel

HOBNOB
You're a safe pair of hands

CHOCOLATE HOBNOB
You’re a maverick

GINGER NUT
You’re a loose cannon

RICH TEA
You need to try more biscuits #NationalBiscuitDay

— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 29, 2019

My brain has actually gone to mush just after serving a customer and her total came to 17.50 and I goes to her that’s 10 to 6

— Keith (@Keith_Byrne_97) May 28, 2019

As of 3:12 pm, Britain hasn't used coal power for 14 continuous days 💪

This marks the only coal-free fortnight since the world’s first coal-powered plant opened in London in 1882.

We must phase out coal and become net-zero carbon emissions to tackle the climate emergency. 🌍

— Amelia Womack (@Amelia_Womack) May 31, 2019

The inimitable @stephenfry tells the @hayfestival about a hilarious moment while recording the audiobook for #HarryPotter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. #HayFestival2019 pic.twitter.com/sovSpxl9yO

— BBC Arts (@bbcarts) May 27, 2019

German word for that feeling when you watch a nature documentary and you go THERE ARE SEWING BIRDS??!! WHY AM I ONLY LEARNING ABOUT THIS NOW pic.twitter.com/aHhaJQiUSc

— Elisa Granato (@Prokaryota) May 26, 2019

After Theresa May is described as UK’s ‘Worst PM ever’, some look at list of leadership contenders and suggest changing it to ‘so far this year’.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) May 31, 2019

This … is incredible.
American televangelist Kenneth Copeland never foresaw that buying a private jet with money raised by his church would prompt difficult questions.
Reporter does an AMAZING job.
The man actually looks unhinged. pic.twitter.com/JK0zwUdSvO

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) May 31, 2019

I HAVE LEARNED A LOT BEING IN ROME FOR A MONTH BUT THE BIG MIND BLOWER I WANT TO SHARE is that “panini” is plural of “panino” & if you’re asking for “one/a panini” you’re as much a fool as the man who asks for “one/a sandwiches”. 🥪

— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) June 1, 2019

TODAY'S WEATHER FORECAST:
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 1, 2019

Tesco you animals.

I'm interested. pic.twitter.com/9DEAJPRLJn

— Simon Binns (@simonbinns) May 27, 2019